Patricia McDaniel is an associate professor in the social science department at Herkimer County Community College. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and a member of the New York Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. She has experience counseling individuals, families and her specialty, couples. Patricia is a resident of Richfield Springs. Dear Couple’s Coach:
My boyfriend cheated on me two years ago. As far as I know, he has been completely faithful to me since then. Most of the time our relationship is great, but I can’t help but worry when he goes out with his friends (which isn’t often) that he may cheat again. This causes arguments between us. He says he is sick of me not trusting him. I can’t get over these insecurities. Help! Signed, Worried Woman Dear Worried:
Having difficulty trusting a partner is a problem I have heard many times before. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone in your struggle with this. Sometimes an inability to trust a partner is a warning sign that shouldn’t be ignored, but in your situation, you state that your relationship for the most part is great, and that your boyfriend doesn’t go out too frequently with the guys. Both of those things are positive signs in your relationship. One of the most difficult problems infidelity creates in a relationship is that it destroys trust. Trust, once broken, is very difficult to rebuild. It can take a long time. The first step in rebuilding trust comes from discontinuing all contact with the “other woman.” Has he discontinued contact (in person, phone, and e-mail) with her? A second part of rebuilding trust comes from changing past behavior patterns that may have led up to the infidelity. For example, when your boyfriend goes out with his buddies, do they frequent places where the other woman may be? Does your boyfriend drink to excess and make poor choices as a result? Is he a flirt? If so, is he willing to work on changing these behaviors? Another very important part of rebuilding trust comes from having honest, calm conversations about the infidelity. This can certainly be difficult to do and is one reason couples may seek therapy after infidelities. Part of the conversation has to include an acceptance of responsibility and an explanation as to why the infidelity occurred. If your boyfriend does not understand why the infidelity occurred, and cannot explain it, it’s hard to reassure you that it will not happen again. We all need to understand what led up to our errors in order to avoid making them again in the future. Has your boyfriend owned responsibility for his betrayal? Has he offered an explanation for why the infidelity occurred? Does the explanation seem understandable? The next step – although it sometimes seems unfair to the offended party – is that if your boyfriend identifies problems that existed in your relationship prior to the infidelity, these problems need to be worked on as a couple. This is not the same thing as saying you are to blame for the affair, but very often, infidelity is a symptom of problems in a relationship. If the problems don’t get addressed, old – or new – symptoms will appear. Even if your boyfriend has done all he can to repair his mistake, it’s normal – for a time – for you to have worries and doubts. Indeed, what often happens is just what you are describing; the person who had the affair grows weary of not being trusted. Sad to say, this is part of the “repayment” the individual must make for his or her betrayal. Through this stage, your boyfriend, hopefully, continued to explain his actions and reassure you. But, you state the infidelity occurred two years ago. So, I suspect that either some or all of the healing steps I’ve outlined above have not taken place, or something within you is preventing you from moving on. If the relationship seems good, and he has done his part, there comes a time when you must make a choice to trust your boyfriend again, and to put the infidelity in the past, or to end the relationship yourself. It’s unfair to hold someone in a relationship if you cannot trust him or are not willing to forgive him. So finally, look within. Part of your insecurity about your relationship may have to do with how you feel about yourself, rather than your boyfriend’s present behavior. If your boyfriend is “walking the talk” it’s time for you to work on your own sense of self and self-esteem. Low self-esteem, with continued distrust of your partner, or excessive need for reassurances, can erode relationships. So ask yourself, “Why would someone want to be in a relationship with me?” If you can’t answer that question, you need to find a way to discover all of your wonderful qualities! That will help you to feel more confident that your boyfriend wants you over all others! Best wishes.
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